Mass Disconnect
by NinjaOfTheDream
Summary: Alliance Marine Kiran Velar suffers from xenodissociation, the state of being disconnected from ones race and self. She struggles with this disorder as she joins IMEP. The Interspecies Military Exchange Program. Kiran will face more scrutiny in the Palaven military than any other marine in the program. The question is, will she survive it? Or will her hamartia bring her down?
1. Chapter 1

**Updated version! I don't know if followers are notified of updates as well as new chapters, but if you've already started this story, read first chapter again! Did some major revising here!**

**Alrighty, my first (ish) Mass Effect story. Not really sure how this will be received, since its a _very_ different concept from many other ME fanfics. But I would love some reviews on your thoughts. Ill be posting a few chapters and if this is received well, then I'll continue.**

**Few quick clarifications, this is AFTER ME3. Roughly three or four years. Nihlus Kryik, Thane Krios and Mordin Solus are ALIVE! There will be an explanation for that later. Shep chose to destroy the reapers, but through the magic of my keyboard, all other synthetics LIVED. (that means EDI and the Geth) This is a Paragon, Femshep universe. I've yet to decide if she's earthborn, vanguard, ruthless, or whatever. I'll figure that out later as well.**

* * *

Kiran Velar could not believe what she was hearing. Admiral Hackett had to be kidding. Hackett was either stark raving insane or she was losing her mind. Because the end of the world must've come for him to be standing before her, offering her such an opportunity.

"You want me to do _what_?" Kiran said in a low tone. Hackett frowned at the lack of respect in her voice, but he decided to let it pass.

"The Alliance Command wants to enroll you into a Personnel Exchange Program with the Turians. You and a few other alliance soldiers are to join their armed forces, and they send some of their men to ours."

Kiran muttered a few obscenities under her breath as she struggled to come up with more appropriate words, but none come to her for several moments. Her mind was buried in a mountain of doubts and disbelief.

"The last one you need in this program of yours is me, Hackett." She finally spoke. "I lost my whole unit on Eden Prime, we-"

"By no fault of your own Chief Velar, you and Gunnery Chief Williams were the sole survivors of your unit, and that isn't due to your incompetence, but to your skill. I know it, and you know it. " The Admiral interjected, crossing his arms and looked out of the window. They were in Kirans apartment on the citadel.

"Even the people I work with do not trust me, the Turians would just trust me even less." Kiran leaned forward and said, the idea became more and more ridiculous in her mind. Hackett was still wearing that monotonous mask he was so famous for, he spoke again, still gazing out into the simulated night-sky.

"Once again Velar, that one is not on you."

"I don't understand your point, Hackett. Pick any other Marine from the line that I'm sure is queued outside your office. Any one of them would be more qualified than me. I'm a Turian for Christs sake!" Hackett frowned at her words, and Kiran's mandibles flicked down in a scowl as he turned around.

"You're not purely Turian, Velar. You're a person from both worlds. You represent the cultural ideology of both worlds, and that is why I want you for this program. It's completely not my wish to force you to do something you don't want to do, but you're the brightest candidate for this thing." Hackett let that sink in.

She stood up abruptly and growled: "I'm not goint to play diplomat for you Hackett. The last thing you'll get from sending me to this program is some sudden understanding from the Turians."

Hackett gave a small nod. "...you're a soldier, and I'm not going to deny it. But I don't want you there as a human's ambassador, Kiran, you go out there to fight their battles and introduce the essence of our race. Turians respect strength and honour. When they see you in battle, they will see a strength and resilience that _we _taught you. That _Humans _taught you. We want them to wonder if Humans are really so bad. This program is our first and hopefully last attempt to break the boundaries that have existed since First Contact, Kiran. You must understand what we're trying to create."

"I do understand sir, but _you've_ got to understand. I would be going in there with no kind of safety net. The Turians would see me as a freak. Some joke that the Alliance is trying to pull. I only got into the military and N7 program, because you recommended me. They're going to see that as a weakness, and they're going to use it to try and destroy me."

Hackett mused on that for a moment, but it seemed Kiran wasn't done.

"...I can't even cope with being around your men. After Eden Prime, all the respect I had built up was gone. They used me as a scapegoat, blamed me when their friends didn't return... Doesn't help that that rogue Spectre was a Turian. And then the reaper war came, and I was shuffled aside. Nobody beleives I am a true and capable soldier. How well do you think I'm going to do there, on Palaven?"

Hackett just sighed. The way she talked about Eden Prime... The other marines weren't the only ones who blamed her. She blamed herself. "Kiran, you've done it. You've finished the job and returned... just let the deaths go in peace." Hackett said the same thing his therapist told him when he came back to Earth after the First Contact War like a soulless husk.

"It's much more difficult to do it than to say it, Admiral. I just drown in these images all over again, and the humans stay away from me because of it." Kiran said, dolefully. "They fear me, and I don't blame them for doing so. The Turians would just look at me as a freak, and I again wouldn't blame them if they despise me like they do around here."

"You're resilient and strong, Kiran. You can take the pressure and come out better for it. In time, you could make people respect you, look up to you." The Admiral said earnestly.

"I've been in the Alliance military for eight years, and there is not a single soul who respects me."

"You're wrong." Hackett said with a significant look. Kiran's eyes and mandibles widened, she felt a bit better before her face relaxed to an almost distant mask all over again.

"Thank you, sir. I appreciate it." She said, her voice somewhat flat. Hackett quirked an eyebrow at the change in demeanor and lack of sincerity in her voice, but he didn't have time to question her on it. His Omni-tool beeped.

"I've got somewhere to be. The Program won't start for a few months. I'll be back in this system two weeks from now. Think about the offer, and we'll talk then."

"Yes sir." Kiran replied robotically. Her voice had gone from strangely flat, to a complete monotone. Her body was slack, and she seemed as if she had retreated into her own mind.

The admiral studied her for a long moment. Long enough for the female Turian looked up to meet his eyes. Hackett took in a sharp breath of air as she stared at him with soulless, empty eyes. Kiran looked like she was billions of light years away.

Hackett opened his mouth to ask her what was wrong, but his Omni-Tool beeped again. He really had to go.

"Take care, Chief." He said. Simple, but he meant it. But Kiran made no indication that she'd heard.

* * *

When the Admiral boarded the SSV Rainier, he immediately commenced the launch protocols and ordered the pilot to set course for the halfway built battle-damaged structures of the Arcturus Station.

He spent just twenty minutes going through important reports of the construction's progress and certain paperwork about weaponry and food supplies. Hackett laid his stylus pen down, giving up to the desire of finding out what had happened with the Turian back there at the Citadel.

With a quick flick on his keyboard, he handed the command of the Bridge to his Executive Officer, and made a beeline for an elevator to take him to his personal cabin on top of the ship.

As he sat down in front of his private terminal, the Admiral blinked. The meltdown Kiran has expressed back there did not sit right with him at all, he has seen many soldiers returned with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but her case in his opinion looked much more severe than the rest. His first though had been that she simply didn't take compliments well. But he knew it was a bad explanation.

He pulled up the Operation Chiefs dossier, and began reading. Something soon caught his eye. The Lieutenant apparently had monthly sessions with a psychiatrist. Interesting... Hackett mused to himself and sent off a request for vids of the sessions as well as any notes the doctor might have left in her reports.

A moment later his console beeped as his request went through, and the files appeared in yet another window. The Admiral made for the written notes first, deciding that the vids of such personnel therapy sessions were too sensitive and personal. He scanned through the first few sessions reports written in descriptive memmos, before he found what he was looking for; the doctors official diagnosis.

* * *

_ "Lieutenant Commander Kiran Velar has participated in seven sessions with me, and I've finally gathered enough information to make my conclusion. Kiran Velar suffers from Xenodissociation and Post-Traumatic Stressed Disorder, which is only a catalyst that heightens the first's symptoms. Xenodissociation is, in essence, an inability to come to terms with who or what she is. It sometimes occurs in young Asari. She cannot be identify as any certain race, or perceive herself of being a member of any faculty or group. As a result, she periodically becomes distant, or what I'd like to call disconnected to the real world._

_ From what I've gathered, it started when she was twelve. Her foster parents (She sometimes refers to them as her 'guardians', another indication of dissociation. When she calls them her parents, she is content and happy, with no signs of the disorder. When she refers to them as guardians, she notably detached and withdrawn with me or my assistant.) Apparently, like I've said before, the dissociation occurred when her foster parents explained to her about her true origin, thus "activating" the disorder._

_ As I understand, she knew, or had gathered the truth for herself some time before the revelation. But hearing it aloud triggered something. She became withdrawn. Vacant. These effects were short-lived, however. And her parents chalked it up to the normal reaction of a child finding out that they are adopted._

_ In the period of six years between this event and Lieutenant Commander's Velars' enlistment in the Alliance, there were relatively few incidents in which Velar became disconnected. She described the occurrences as a result of events like bullying, or when her body restricted her from doing certain things that others(humans) could do. It seems like Kiran's parents were unaware of anything out of the norm._

_ When Velar entered the armed forces, she inevitably began coming into contact with other alien species. Most significantly, other Turians. She described to me the first time she encountered a group of Turians. It happened when she was stationed on Arcturus. A Turian freighter had docked for maintenance, and the troops disembarked then coincidentally ended up in the same bar which Kiran herself visited frequently._

_ What Velar described to me next was rather vague. She refused to go into details but I surmised that some exchange occurred between her and the other Turians. She said everything turned 'fuzzy and muffled'. And that she perceived words and people around her but to her, they seemed to be almost incoherent. This was by far the longest disconnect that Kiran has described to me - five consecutive days. She also said that she didn't know how she returned to her room or performed her duties. Simply that when she 'woke up' all her duties were done. Her supervising officer told me that she had been distant. Efficient, but cold and absent._

_ Kiran said that she's unsure of what exactly triggers the disconnects. I've compounded a list to compare the incidents, and I would theorize that they are triggered by events that contradict her preconceived notions of who she is and where she stands. There are likely other minor triggers as well. This is all speculation, really._

_ I've attached a vid from last months' session. This conversation is probably the only reason why I'm not pushing for some hardcore therapy. It seemed like the disorder does not effect her mentally in any negative ways. Her PTSD on the other hand... If she would just agree to speak to the other survivor of her unit, Ashley Williams, I think her mental health would be much much better. But she refuses to try even calling Williams._

_ Hers is a curious reaction to the disorder, considering other subjects with the same disorder quickly become depressed or permanently withdrawn. Kiran seems to move in between connected and disconnected quite frequently, and without issue. I wonder if it's an aspect of some passive Turian brain function? If so, perhaps a Turian doctor would be better suited to treat her..._

* * *

Hackett let out the breath he didn't even realize he was holding until then, and leaned back in his seat. This was a lot to take in. It explained so much though, about why the Turian had reacted the way she did to the Admiral's comment. It could potentially explain a plethora of other things.

Like why the alliance had denied her officers promotion and N7 title, even though he argued to them that she had more than earned it.

Hackett shook his head as a thought appeared at the back of his head on what to do with his new-found information. Time to make a few calls.


	2. Chapter 2

**Not really sure what to say here... Thanks so much to the awesome SECTI0N for being my Beta reader. PLEASE! Review! This story has gotten several followers and favorites, but no reviews. I would LOVE to hear what people think! Any predictions on where the story is going to go?**

* * *

Zakera Ward was bustling and loud. Kiran hated it.

When she was a child, a place like this would have drawn her in immediately. It was so different from the quiet fields and forrests of Watson, where she had been raised by the human scientists who had become her parents after they smuggled her out from a destroyed Turian base when she was two years old. The First Contact War had been at its most intensive peak.

Perhaps saying she hated Zakera was a little drastic. If she really despised it so, she wouldn't even be there. It was only the noise she hated. It made her so distracted she could barely think. If she could walk through the Ward with only the sound of her own thoughts, Kiran would be infinitely more content.

As it was, today was a quiet day. That meant little in Zakera though, volume was a relative term.

Kiran was heading to the local bar, as had become her nightly custom. Since she was given an indefinite term of leave from the Alliance military, Kiran had returned to her residence on the Citadel. She had not been able to cope with her gruesome nightmares for long however, and had fallen into the mire that so many others before her had done.

Drowning her sorrows in drinks.

Tonight was different though. Kiran needed more than just a few drinks to kill this feeling. She had long since resigned herself to the fact that she was of no use to anyone. But the conversation with Hackett had implied otherwise. The thought burned Kiran with its contradictions, and she felt herself go numb.

She wished she could stop herself from becoming so distant when she met such contradictions, but at the very least she had learned to recognise it and put up a somewhat believable illusion of normalcy.

Kiran brushed past the line that was queued up along the wall outside the nightclub. The bouncer recognised her as a regular and let her past with a quick nod.

She slid into her usual seat at then end of the bar, already feeling the coldness that came with her distance from reality. The bartender gave her a quick glance which turned like lightning from appraisal to resignation as he recognised her.

It was the Turian bartender tonight, and Turians in general thought little of killing your problems with alcohol. But this one seemed to have a personal qualm against enabling her. All the same, he made her a drink and slid it across the bar toward her with a final hesitant glance.

Kiran ignored him, she liked the human bartender much more. He at least, understood her needs to lose herself and didn't feel guilty when serving her nightly oblivion. But she couldn't lose herself entirely tonight. No, she needed more.

Kiran scanned the crowd, hunting. She hated it whenever she got to this point. But the physician had explained it to her. Unlike humans, Turians had an actual physical need for sex. And Kiran had almost reached the point of no return.

She downed her drink and signaled for another as she spotted a Turian across the bar who seemed like he might be a suitable candidate for her nighttime ... entertainment... He was a bare-faced male of a dark rusty brown coloring, with glinting silver eyes. His dark brown civilian clothing complimented his frame and strong waist.

He had all the qualties Kiran was looking for. Young, virile, attractive, and someone she could forget about completely the next day.

As she downed the second drink and prepared to approach him, a young Asari maiden probably no more than two-hundred years old approached him and slipped under his arm. He nuzzled her forehead in a disgusting show of public affection, and they soon left the bar together.

Kiran grimaced and signaled the bartender for yet another drink. The next few hours followed a similar pattern. Kiran would spot a suitable candidate, only to watch as he was scooped up by some young hussy, usually an Asari... Though she couldn't understand the appeal.

She even saw one Turian leaving the bar with a young male Krogan. That was actually enough to make her chuckle, and the amusement brought her up and out of the fog for just a little. She couldn't remember the last time she had actually laughed.

She had stopped consuming alcohol some time ago as she began to suspect that her blurred inhibitions were making her lose her touch when it came to choosing her prey. The Turian bartender seemed to approve though, her choice not to end the night in a drunken stupor vastly improved his disposition toward her and he began commenting on the different males that she perused.

He talked for some time as she scoped out her prospects. Despite her own cold demeanor, she found that he was unperturbed, and they began a somewhat one-sided exchange. She was surprised he could even lure her into conversation, but it was likely what made him so good at his job. She learned his name was Torrg.

"That one's got a preference for pistols... If you know what I mean." He said to her as she eyed a slate grey Turian with black markings.

Kiran turned to him. "Didn't I just say that I don't want your opinion?" She growled.

Torrgs eyes narrowed in a smirk. "Maybe you wanna try the Turian down there at the end of the bar. Fella with the nice green eyes and white colony markings." He rubbed an invisible spot on the bar with his rag. She sipped on her drink, glaring at Torrg with barely veiled annoyance. But she looked anyway.

As she glanced at the Turian in question. She almost choked on the beverage.

"Him?!" She sputtered in indignation.

"Why not?" Torrg asked, mandibles splayed wide in a huge grin. "You're both way too serious, have a thing for guns -if that Carnifex under your jacket is anything to go by- and you both need to get some... badly."

Kirans jaw gaped open slightly as she listened to Torrg. "Do you even know who that is?" She asked him in a low hiss.

"Course I do sweetcheeks." Torrg said with a wink. "Do you?"

"One, do not call me sweetcheeks..." Kiran growled. "And two, yes, I do know him."

Torrgs grin grew even wider. "Even more reason for you to go talk to him."

"Screw you." Kiran growled under her breath.

"What?" Torrg asked her.

"Nothing." She muttered. "I'm not going to sleep with him."

Torrg snorts at her. "I said that you should talk to him. Whether the two of you end up sleeping together is an entirely different matter. Besides, he wants to talk to you. He's been staring at you for the past forty minutes."

Kiran glanced down the bar again and sure enough, those bright green eyes were regarding her in a manner that somehow managed to be casual and intense all at once. Her eyes flicked back to Torrg, and he winked. Then she glanced back down the bar. The staring was starting to get weird. She looked back at Torrg and he nodded in the direction of the other Turian. She looked down at her drink-a harmless kava juice- before she finally made up her mind.

"Damn." She said to Torrg. He chuckled. She downed the rest of her juice for all the good that it would do her, and slid off her stool to stroll casually down to the other end of the bar.

She hopped into the seat next to him. He still stared straight ahead, looking at the spot where she had been a moment ago. His colony markings were even more stark against his dark plates now that she was up close.

"Nihlus Kryik." Kiran said in a dry tone. "Do you often come here to stare at helpless young females?"

He turned and made eye contact, and Kiran had to keep herself from wincing. Constant eye contact was a turian thing, but intense eye contact seemed to be a Nihlus thing. She felt as if he could read all her darkest secrets, and that was certainly not a good thing.

"I'm going to treat that as a rhetorical question, seeing as you are quite the opposite of helpless." Nihlus intones. Nodding his head in the direction of the pistol hidden under her jacket.

Kiran blinks. "Right, I see humour goes right over your head. Nice to see you too after... how long has it been? Five years?"

Nihlus nodded in response. An acknowledgement and a greeting all at once. He's apparently very good at expressing the tiniest drops of his thought in one single gesture.

Kiran sighed. "What do you want?" She asked the Spectre tiredly.

Nihlius' green eyes blinked quickly. His only outward sign of surprise.

"You think I came here because I want something from you?" He asked lightly.

Kiran blinked once at him. Long and slow. An obvious yes.

Nihlus' mandibles twitched in the tiniest of smiles. "Actually, I came here to enjoy a night out. I've been told I stay in my apartment too much." He paused. Looking to see if Kiran believed him. Her shoulders relax. She did. "You happened to be here as well. I was just thinking about how to start a conversation with you after so much time. The staring was unintentional. A habit I developed to intimidate people during interrogations."

Kiran snorted. "Well you should get out of the habit of it when you're hanging around bars. It's damn creepy."

The Spectre dipped his head in aquiescence. "I will try to keep that in mind."

"Right."

The two of them sat in silence for several long mements. Torrg kept giving Kiran the stinkeye. But what was she supposed to say? _Oh hey, long time no see! Remember that time when I got my whole unit killed on Eden Prime, then saved your ass from being killed by that rogue spectre. But then I couldn't stand looking at my only other surviving squadmate in the eye. And I also couldn't understand why the hell I saved you, so I ditched the Normandy first chance I got. Ah, those were the good old days..._

"You don't know what to say either." Nihlus said quietly. Inturrupting her thoughts.

She turned to look at him.

"What?"

"We both feel awkward over what happened on Eden Prime. You saved my life and got me back to the Normandy. And I admit, I was less than graceful about it. Of course you were also very cold about the whole thing as well. I think you regretted saving my life."

He says the last sentance as a statement, but Kiran knows he really means it as a question.

She shaked her head. "More like I couldn't understand why I chose to save you. I knew who both of you were as I watched what happened from around the corner." Kiran glanced at him and he nodded. "I knew that Saren could probably kill us both... I knew that somebody had to survive and try to get off planet to warn the Citadel... I didn't know who else had survived, so I assumed it was up to me to get the warning out."

Nihlus sipped his drink. "I see. There were many reasons why you should have left me to die then. Why didn't you?"

Kiran sighed. "I thought I was the only survivor of my unit. When we were fighting off the Geth, we were being absolutely slaughtered. My captain said we had to get somebody to the spaceport. My squad decided that someone would be me..."

"Why you?" Nihlus asked curiously.

"I was the fastest runner. And on top of that, being an engineer, I could hack the Geth for a short amount of time... Turn them against each other. Everyone agreed that would be our best chance. And they all agreed that our new mission priority was to warn the council of the Geth invasion. Which meant getting someone off planet at all costs..." Kiran trailed off.

"So your squad was killed to cover you as you made your way to the spaceport?" The Spectre supplied.

Kiran's mandibles tightened to her face as she frowned. "Yeah. As we made our way to the tram station so that we could get to the spaceport, each of them got picked off one by one. Soon me and a squadmate named Jasper were the only ones left. Jasper was a good guy. He was the only one in the squad who ever made an effort to interact with me. I'm not sure whether that was a good thing. I mean, at least I could deal with it when the others ignored me."

Nihlus frowned. "Your fellow soldiers ignored you? I cannot understand how that would create an effective team on the battlefield."

"I was... just another asset to them. Not a person. They could never see me as such. We were able to communicate as much as we needed to in order to complete our mission."

"But this Jasper was different?"

Kiran nodded. "He was... friendly. He asked about my past. Where I came from. He was genuinely interested in me as a person, but he also wanted to know how a Turian ended up as an Alliance Marine." Kiran chuckled darkly.

"The poor bastard had the worst timing in the world. He'd spent the whole day questioning me about my life. Then the Geth attacked. He decided that he wanted to continue his lines of questions. I told him to shut up, but his chatter got the attention of a nearby squad of Geth. He was dead before his next stupid question could leave his lips."

"He somehow factors in to why you chose to save me?" Nihlus inquired.

Kiran hesitated. "I couldn't save him... But I hoped that I could save you. In the end I decided that you had more chance of getting out of that hellhole than I did. So when Saren pointed his gun at you, I stepped out of cover and started shooting. I thought in his distraction that he wouldn't shoot you. But he pulled the trigger anyway and you went down before he turned to face me."

Nihlus watched as Kiran recounted her tale. Her visage became more and more grim. She seemed to become withdrawn. She continued her story though. Almost as if she were telling it on autopilot.

"And then Shepard came over the hill with her team, guns blazing and that crazy-ass grin on her face. I thought she was a madwoman... But she wasn't shooting at me, so I turned to check on you. The bullet only went through your neck, so you still had a pretty good chance of survival, but there was a lot of blood..." Kiran trailed off and shrugged. "You know the rest, I got you back to the Normandy while Shepard went after Saren."

Once again, the two sat in silence. The stoic Spectre sat pondering this new perspective of the events that brought him into the crew of Commander Shepard. And the defunct human-raised Turian waited for her companion to reply.

Finally, Nihlus spoke. "I think I owe you a drink." He said.

Kiran looked at him blankly. "What?"

"For saving my life." He said. "I owe you."

Kiran tensed, waiting for the familiar coldness that always came at times like these. But it didn't. Kirans mandibles twiched in a jerky half-smile.

"I think I'll take you up on that." She said.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey all! Just in case you haven't yet, you need to go back and read chapter one of this story. I changed some stuff for those you who read the chapter the veeery first time I posted it. its alot cleaner now, thanks to my Beta reader SECT1ON, who alerted me that the storyline was rushed.**

**Anyway, chapter three. Lemme know your thoughts. Any ideas on where this is going? Where would you like to see this story go? I would love to hear your opinions. Unlike my other stories, this one is just coming out as i go along with only a vague idea of what might happen next. ****  
**

**Enjoy, ciao!**

* * *

Her day started with a message from Admiral Hackett telling her that his ship – the SSV Rainer – was about to dock into the Citadel in a few hours.

Kiran groaned and rolled out of the bed ... wait, not her bed...

She growled lowly. Nihlus. She had forgotten she would spent the evening with him. Though it would appear she has spent the night at his place as well.

She wondered if they had... done other things, but quickly discarded that notion. He'd made it quite clear he wasn't interested in that. And aside from the fact, she was still fully clothed.

Kiran stilled herself and listened for a moment. It sounded like she was the only one in the apartment.

She snorted to herself, wondering where he might have gone. She stood from the bed and grabbed her pistol's holster and coat from the chair in the corner of the room. It seemed like Nihlus has thought she would be uncomfortable sleeping with the gun on.

If only he knew.

For such an exceptionally stoic and serious Turian, Nihlus really was quite the gentleman. Kiran wasn't sure what to make of that.

Upon entering the main living area, Kiran found that her suspicions were correct. Nobody else was present in the spacious apartment suite. A datapad lay on the coffee table, its power light blinking with a message. It was oddly out of place in the otherwise spotlessly clean living space.

The datapad probably was safekeeping a message for her. With a quick motion, she picked it up. Kiran huffed. That Spectre really was an odd one, and that definitely said something about him considering that she was the Queen of oddities amongst Turians.

With the flick of a talon, Kiran turned on the datapad to view the message.

_You drank quite a lot last night and I'm not sure how much you remember, but we went to the shooting range after you got wasted at the bar. You're actually quite a good shooter even when you're drunk. But you wouldn't leave the shooting range so I had to take your gun from you._

_You followed me home after that and fell asleep on the floor, you owe me a big one for this. I also followed you around Zakera all night and kept you out of trouble._

_Anyway, I'll see you around I suppose. I'm being sent to evaluate the recruits in this next training cycle. The council wants me to see if any of them have what it takes for Spectre candidacy. You seemed quite reluctant to join the IMEP program when we talked about it, but I think you should consider it. It could do you a lot of good. If you do decide to go, then maybe I'll even see you on Palaven._

This time Kiran growled out loud. She took back what she has thought about him being a gentleman. What a snarky bastard. The hell she owed him! And he was crazy if he thought she would do well on Palaven.

Kiran threw the datapad and let it slid haphazardly across the table and stormed out of the apartment. She only slowed her furious pace when she realized that she was on the wrong Ward.

Kiran's apartment was on Zakera, and she had just passed a sign that told her she was on Kithoi. Kiran's scowl deepened and she resumed her furious march. She had to get to the Presidium soon. Hackett would be arriving soon and she absolutely reeked of alcohol.

It would have been an easy matter if she has been on Zakera, she wouldn't have to worry that much. But since she was unfamiliar with Kithoi, she had no idea where the rapid transit terminalwas in order to call for a skycab.

And because of that, fifteen valuable minutes of her life were wasted wandering aimlessly.

As soon as she managed to touch down on Zakera, Kiran walked as quickly as she could in the direction of her apartment. She slowed down as she approached her apartment block. There was already an Alliance registered skycar parked off the walkway in front of her building.

Hackett was here. Great. She was moody and she knew she looked awful. She wasn't sure if Hackett would pick up on that, but she was sure that he would notice the overwhelming stench of alcohol on her body.

She fortunately found a semi-translucent window to do a quick fix of her clothes to avoid looking even more pathetic than how she already was. Then, she stepped into the elevator.

Hackett was standing with his back to her when she entered her apartment. Kiran wasn't surprised that he was there. Though she did wonder how he managed to break in.

"Chief Velar." Hackett said, not looking at her. "I was wondering when you would show up."

"My apologies Admiral. I was on Kithoi and Imiscalculated the time needed to get back here."

Hackett gave a noncommittal hum in response. "Have you given any thought to my proposal?" He turned to face her.

Kiran took in a breath.

"Before you say no again, I want to re-iterate that I believe that this is the best course not only for the Alliance, but for you as well."

Kiran huffed in annoyance, Hacket didn't seem like he has finished, and so she kept her mouth shut.

"When we last spoke you mentioned that you believed that the Turians would single you out. And you're right. Which is why I've asked Commander Shepard to be the Supervising Officer for Alliance forces while they train on Menae." Kiran frowned.

"Admiral I don't understand how this would make me change my mind. You want me to go to Palaven and somehow prove a point to the Turians, yet you're sending a babysitter with me."

"We've been very careful about selecting soldiers who lean away from xenophobic tendencies. But we cannot expect the same from the instructors and other recruits on Menae." Hackett explained.

"My answer is no Hackett. I'm not risking my neck any more for the Alliance." Hackett watched with a glint of care as Kiran seemed to grow cold and distant once again. "They just keep on taking and there comes a point when I refuse to give it anymore." Kiran stepped aside and gestured that Hackett should leave.

The Admiral nodded and paced toward the door. He paused in the threshold as the door slid open.

"Chief, you know that it's not about that. I know you're afraid. But what have you got to lose?"

With that, Hackett exited the apartment and the door swooshed closed behind him.

Kiran stood for a long time. At first, she struggled through the fog in her mind. But as she slowly came back to herself, she began to recall things that have long remained buried.

She recalled the time when her foster parents had told her about where she came from. That was the first time she has felt truly alone, when the coldness had crept over her and she had been helpless to stop it. Since then, becoming disconnected had become a natural part of her life. Something that simply came and went, but she couldn't stop it.

Because it was her who tormented herself. She was the main reason that she slowly slid away from society.

Since then, she had lost count of how many times she has faded away from the world, and in the aftermath, she just wanted to just disappear completely. When she joined the military, the basic training instructors made her life a living hell. Kiran snorted and moved into her kitchen to make some food in hopes that it would cure her hangover. Whatever the Alliance Instructors had thrown at her, it would be ten times worse on Palaven.

When Kiran had graduated basic, her name hadn't even been called at the ceremony. She has faded then too. The worst of the incidents had been the first time she has interacted with other Turians. After basic, she had been in transition, waiting for orders on Arcturus station.

And when the Reapers attacked, Kiran has been shuffled away and was forgotten. She had wasted so much time moving in and out of that damnable fog, trying to fight the feeling of being useless to everyone. Kiran sighed and her mandibles tightened in a deep frown. She pulled her pan off the stove and scooped its contents onto a plate.

She finally realized that she didn't have to wait for orders to help the fight, and she boarded the next shuttle she could find that would take her to Menae. The fighting had been heaviest there, and nobody would second guess a Turian on Palaven's moon.

In all these instances it was like Kiran had faded from the world. Like she had departed from the very galaxy itself, and every time she came back less of her returned.

_You have nothing left to lose._ Hacketts voice echoed in her mind.

Kiran set down her plate. Hackett was right. She _didn't_ have anything to lose. She was tired of fighting her way through the fog that had been choking her all her life. She thought about last night. When Nihlus has thanked her for saving his life. She hadn't gone cold like she expected to. In fact, for the first time since she could remember, she thought she might even have felt some warmth.

Kiran wanted to experience that feeling again. She wanted something in her life to change. And if taking a risk and flying to Palaven meant she could do that, then she would.

It had only been about fifteen minutes since Hackett had left. Takeoff protocols took at least thirty. She could make it if she ran.

Kiran laughed out loud as she ran for the SSV Rainier's docking bay. She ignored the looks she got. She was going to Palaven to join IMEP. And she was going to be the best marine there.

Hackett raised an eyebrow at her as she dashed breathlessly into the hangar bay.

"Sir," she said to him with an exhausted salute. "I've-hah, I've changed my mind. I'm going... to Palaven." She began to laugh.

Hackett barely suppressed a smile. "That's good to hear Chief Velar. I'll send you the information packet via Omni-tool. The shuttle leaves Arcturus in three weeks. I'll see you there."

Kiran stood up straighter and saluted properly this time. "Yes sir."

Hackett turned to leave but paused as something occurred to him. "Chief?" He asked.

"Yes sir?" Kiran replied candidly.

"Did you run, all the way here?"

Kiran blinked. "Yes... yes I did sir."

Hackett chuckled. "You couldn't take a skycar?"

The Turian scratched a mandible in embarrassment. "Well sir, in retrospect... the shuttle might have been the better choice. I'll see you in three weeks sir."

Kiran began the walk to the nearest rapid-transit terminal. Her Omni-tool beeped, the info from Hackett. She grinned and a couple of humans in the vicinity gave her a wide berth as she passed. She was sure to them she looked like she was about to chomp someones face off.

She wasn't sure what would happen on Palaven, or whether it was even a good idea. But she was going to be the best damn marine in the program... she was also going to be the craziest.


End file.
